Am I There Yet?

I just spent the past two hours writing a long essay-like post on infertility. And I lost it.

This sums up the worst thing about infertility in a nutshell.

Whoo-hoo! I have a problem! An identifiable, potentially fixable one!

Yesterday, Dawg and I went to the RE, muscles flexed and glistening, fully prepared to wrestle the doctor to the ground to convince him that we wanted to take some interim steps before moving on to IVF. As it turns out, all that muscle-building was unnecessary. We'd barely gotten seated when the RE pointed to one of my hormone test results and said: "You seem to have a slightly elevated levels of LH (lutenizing hormone). This could very well be interfering with the quality of your ovulation and may be the root of the problem. I'd like to start you on Gonal-F on your next cycle." Dawg and I just gaped at him in surprise. First of all, we were surprised that the doctor had proposed a treatment that did not involve going to IVF straightaway; second, we were shocked that after 19 months of no explanation, we suddenly had one!

The RE told us that since Dawg's sperm are perfectly fine, we really didn't need to do IUI and that since he thought Gonal-F alone might solve the problem, we shouldn't rush into IVF. Suddenly, the hope that had deserted me in recent days, came rushing back into me with renewed vigor. Someone thought I might be able to get pregnant without IVF! A professional thinks I might be able to get pregnant without IVF! Maybe, maybe, maybe this will really happen! (Of course, I cannot stay optimistic for long, and these positive feelings have subsided, but Dawg's still happy.)

So, this is what I have to do: First, a month of birth control pills. (Yes, the irony is a killer.) The purpose of the BCP is to stabilize my hormones and make sure that my ovaries are cyst-free. On the second day of my post-BCP cycle, I am to begin giving myself shots of Gonal-F at the level of 37.5 ml, alternating between my stomach and my thighs. I do this once a day for 4 days. On the fifth day, I increase the level of hormones to 75 ml per shot and continue shooting up at this level until Day 8. On day 7 or 8, I go to the hospital for a blood draw so they can determine my hormone levels. At this time, the doctor will tell me at what level I should continue doing the shots. Around day 10 or so, I go in for an echographie (sonogram) of my ovaries, so we can see how many follicles are developing. (If there are too many, the cycle will be cancelled as the risk of multiples is too high.) Around day 12, I stop doing the Gonal-F shots, and instead get an hcg shot, which will stop the follicles from maturing and will release them within 36 hrs. In the meantime, Dawg and I do it like rabbits. Two weeks later, we find out if it worked. Please, please, please God, say yes.

It's very complicated and I'm afraid to give myself the shots and I'm afraid of being disappointed, but overall I am so excited to be taking another step toward Baby.

For the first time in ages, I felt God today. Here's what triggered it:

I often follow the blogs of "pregnant infertiles" - women who were formerly infertile, but by some miracle of God and science, got pregnant. I read these to remind myself that I am not alone and that pregnacy is possible, even for me. But sometimes the news on these blogs can be devastating. Today, I read that one of the pregnant infertiles I follow just lost her twin boys at 22 weeks gestation due to preeclampsia. One moment she was perfectly fine, the next moment she learned one of her boys had died in utero, and that she had to either terminate the pregnancy or die (thus ending the child's life too). There being virtually no choice in the matter, she chose to terminate. Terminate the child she'd prayed for for many long infertile years; terminate the child she'd lovingly carried in her womb for 22 weeks, and had felt moving and kicking, dreamed about and prayed for.

Oh. My. God.

I thought: How could You? How could You inflict such cruelty on a woman who had already suffered so much? I didn't get any answers from God on that score. But about an hour later, I did get another message.

I was out running errands. I had to buy a weekly magazine for home-buyers, stop at the bank to get some cash for our cleaning people, stop by the restaurant where we're having dinner to change our reservation to a later hour. I was in the midst of all this when suddenly, an overwhelming feeling of gratitude swept over me. First of all, it occurred to me that all of this ordinary stuff was due to a wonderful, miraculous gift from God last March: Dawg's job. It's a job he likes and is excelling in. Without it, we'd have no luxuries like cleaning people, and country houses, or even going out to worry-free dinners with friends. How blessed we are. So many people would love to have a life like ours with a good marriage, good friends, a good job, a fancy car, a beautiful apartment, great meals, and the potential to buy a home.

The second thing I realized was that none of these things are guaranteed to me. There is nothing that I have that I can't lose. But, right now, I have them. And for that, I am grateful.

I went to church right away. From the moment I walked into the church, I felt God there. It felt so good. A bit like making up an argument with an old friend. I lit a candle, knelt down and thanked God for the Right Now. And I prayed for Cecily and her husband.

I don't know what the future holds in store for me. I don't know if I'll ever get pregnant. Or, if I do get pregnant, I don't know if I'll carry the baby to term or give birth to a healthy child. I don't know if any of the things I'm thanking Him for today, I'll still have tomorrow. But right now, I have right now. And for right now, it's enough.


Cecily - you don't know me but I am praying for you and your husband with all my strength. I am so, so sorry for the loss of your boys, and the unbearable grief that you're going through. I wish you peace and as much future happiness as you can stand.

I just don't feel like I know God anymore. I don't feel Him. This scares me, makes me feel lonely. I have no one to talk to about this. I don't like the priest at the Church that I attend. His main goal does not seem to be feeding his congregation spiritually, but to raise money for the church. Dawg is not religious, and though he sympathizes with me, he does not really understand how I feel. The last time I had a crisis of faith, I was in New York, having been dumped by a guy I had really gone nuts over. The worst of it was, I suspected that a friend (at the time) had played a part in it. She had betrayed me. Not by sleeping with him or anything, but just getting in the way, telling him secrets that I'd only told her. I felt so betrayed by everyone, so lost. It was during the advent season, and I went to church, hoping to be uplifted as I tend to be during that time. But I just sat there, listening to the priest, looking at the stained glass windows and cruifixes, and cheerful Christmas decorations, feeling nothing at all. Afterward, I stood in line to shake the hand of the priest, wish him a good morning, but when I reached him, I couldn't get the words out. I just began to cry. He looked at me so kindly, and whispered that I should meet him in his office after he finished greeting everyone.

I met him and told him everything. The betrayal I suspected from my friend, how I'd lost my head over this guy, and how I had lost God. It was Catholic priest, and I know I was saying some really sinful stuff in his eyes, but he never judged me. He just listened. He gave me advice on how to deal with my friend (either forgive her and continue being friends, or forgive her but don't continue being friends); he said that God was there, and waiting for me, and he suggested that I get more involved in the Church. His kindness, his words, his quiet faith really helped me. I didn't find God again right away, but after that conversation, I had faith that I would.

I need to talk to someone like that again. My questions now are bigger; my problems bigger. I don't know what God wants from me -- or, for that matter, from any of us. Is He really like the evangelical Christians believe? Is that asshole George Bush His model child? Are the short-sighted, narrow-minded, finger-wagging Christians that follow Bush truly on the right path? My heart says no. And it also says, if they are, if God wants us to all lead lives like theirs, rigidly adhering to the letter of the law, but not the spirit, then I want no part of Christianity or God. (Horrible, scary, blasphemous thing for me to write, but I must say it.) Does God only see in black and white? I cannot believe it so. We humans are all such complicated, different people. He knows this. He made us that way. So how is it that in making all these different people, in different climates and cultures, speaking different languages, with different genetic make-ups, skin colors, body types, thought-processes, He expects us all to worship Him and believe in Him in One Way? It's neither logical nor reasonable. If He is all-knowing, then He is aware of this. But does He care? I don't know.

I am sinful. I do bad un-Christian things all the time. I do not love my neighbor as myself. I do not always treat others as I would like to be treated. But, on the whole, I think I have a good heart. I try to share my good fortune. I give money to homeless people on the street. I donate my clothes instead of throwing them away. I used to, when I was in the U.S., donate my time, as well as money, to helping others in need, be it though tutoring children or buying food for the needy. When I was making buckets of money, I had no problem at all at the idea of giving my taxes to the government for social programs. But on the other hand, I am pro-choice, I support the idea of gay marriage and I don't believe the government should be able to impose its religious values on its citizens. What does God think of me?

I love the idea of a loving God that wants -- expects -- us to be kind and gentle to one another, to look out for strangers as if they were our own brother. One that wants us to honor Him through affirmatively good deeds, not just resisting doing "bad" things. A merciful, forgiving God that sees more of the good in us than the bad, and will take the total sum of our actions into consideration when we die. These days, this is not the kind of God I hear about. The God that I hear about it is much less concerned with good works and good, loving hearts than with avoiding "sinful" actions.

I just don't understand their God. Why, really, would God care whether we masturbate or not? What if I masterbate daily but am generous and kind to those in need, even those I despise? What if I have continued sexual relations with another woman, but take care of foster children, or organize soup kitchens for the hungry? What if I said I don't know Jesus, and don't care to, but still did all these good things, simply because I felt in my heart that they are the right thing to do? And what if I praised God morning, noon, and night, taught my children to pray, said grace before every meal, was in Church every Sunday, but referred to gays as 'faggots' and Jews as "Christ-killers" and complained about my tax money going to the jobless, the homeless, and those without education or hope. Which of these people will God favor more? Will they all go to heaven? Or will they all go to Hell? This is paradox is what makes some people not believe in God in the first place.

I guess all I can do is believe in the God that I believe in, and keep the faith that He exists.

Winter has begun here in Paris. November arrives and instantly the skies turn an unyielding grey. The Seine turns from a placid olive-green to a frothing, scummy brown. The leaves on the trees -- having begun to change color immediately upon la rentree-- now linger at vomit-yellow, and then fall to nothing. When we awake at 8am, it is dark. For most of the day, it is grey. By 6pm, it is dark. And it only gets worse. By the early December, the sun will not rise until 9am, and it will get dark around 4.

But I'm not complaining - hee! That's just the way it is. This is my fourth winter in Paris, and it's fun to be able to recognize the patterns. It's a cozy time - time to stack the firewood, and light cinnamon scented candles, and drink full-bodied red wine. And while it's grey, it's not too cold. We don't yet have to wear gloves or hats, though it's fun to toss on a scarf when going out at night.

Today is probably a very momentous day in history. The election for U.S. president. I wonder how we're going to look at this day 4 years from now. Or better yet, 12 years from now. If Bush wins again, will those idiots who voted for him say to themselves - "if only he hadn't been president...", just as so many who voted for him in 2000 are doing now? I feel that the world can hardly survive another 4 years of the Bush administration. How many people - not just Americans, but civilians around the world -- will die as a direct result of his irresponsible, single-minded actions? How much further will the U.S. go into debt? How much more convincingly will he persuade young would-be terrorists that the U.S. is evil? How much more trampling will he do on the civil rights of his own citizens in the name of fighting terrorism, or obeying God? How much more divided will my country come? I'm chilled at the thought.

I honestly don't see how Bush has any support for his presidency. He is corrupt. He lies. He panders and panders and panders to the wealthy, tosses the random kibble to the middle-class, and scorns the poor. He uses the name of God to kill -- both in war and domestically -- and speaks of the death penalty with a flush of pride; yet, bemoans a society in which abortion is permissible, even for the victims of rape. He decimated a 300 billion dollar surplus left over by the Clinton administration, and now, the U.S. is something-trillion dollars in debt. We keep taking out loans from foreign countries -- and at the same time, alienating them. Hundreds of thousands have lost jobs in the past 4 years. Social services programs that aid the poor have been slashed to fund this unjustified war (though they probably would have been slashed anyway).

And the thing is -- he doesn't hide any of this. But still, most of America is getting fucked up the ass by Bush, and they're just asking for more. Why? Mainly because of the war on terrorism. But someone should tell these idiot Bush-lovers that randomly spraying the rest of the world with bullets ain't the way to stop terrorism; that dividing people and countries into Evil and Non-Evil, is pretty much exactly what the terrorists are doing. We Americans have lost over 1,000 people in this war; the Iraqis have lost an estimated 50,000, if not more (I mean, no American is really going to keep track), including civilians. How can we Americans gasp in shock and horror when Osama Bin Laden refers to the dead of 9/11 as collateral damage, and yet be casual about those innocents that died and are dying in Iraq? In their hearts, I believe these people are thinking -- better them than us. But they should be thinking, better nobody at all.

Well. I can only hope that history is as unkind to Bush, as he has been to the world.